As Lived And Written by Penny Deerhill
Mothers Day
How appropriate. I had come back on Mother’s Day, to the only reasons that I had left to be there. When I went in, I knew it would be the saddest holiday that I would ever remember. My kids all missed me and were happy to have me back, but they were also glad I had been gone, because the house had been quiet and peaceful. No fighting between their father and me. Steve had treated to them to whatever they wanted while I was gone. I was shocked. They ate pizza, rented movies, had gone to the movie theater, and gone skating….these were all things he had never allowed us to do. I didn’t know it at the time but he had also seen a lawyer, to prepare him self for the divorce that he knew was coming.
I spent a few precious minutes with my children before Steve ordered them to all go to their rooms. I knew what was coming. He wanted me to tell him everything I had done since I had gone. Instead of falling into the normal routine of doing what he said out of fear, I simply told him, “I’ve decided to leave you, Steve. That’s what I did while I was gone.” I wasn’t lying. That was the essence of what I had done. I felt no guilt or shame in voicing my decision, and strangely, no fear.
For some reason Steve didn’t fight about it either. He simply said, “OK.” And then went straight into his normal dictator mode of thinking, “This is how it’s going to happen.” I cracked a smile, half laughing at him, “No, Steve. You don’t get to tell me how I’m going to get a divorce. There are no rules I have to follow, no demands that I have to meet, in order to get the right to leave you. But I will ask you for this one request. I want six months. To find a job, save up my own money to get a place to live, and be able to support my children.”
Steve’s personality switched. He became eerily calm, and he was smiling. “No, if you’re leaving you have to leave now. And the children stay with me. All of them. In fact, why don’t you go ask them if they want to go with you?” My heart began to beat in that painful, erratic pattern that always came after I realized there was no way of avoiding danger. “I’ll ask them tomorrow, I’m not talking to them about that when I just get back.”
Steve and I slept in different bedrooms. I was so thankful. The next day I talked to each of my children, both individually and all together. I told them that their Daddy and I were splitting up because we couldn’t get along, and I asked them each if they wanted to go with me. I didn’t want to make them live a life without choices and the opportunity to be able to make them. It’s a human right; one that was stripped from me by Steve. I don’t know what Steve bribed them with while I was gone, besides doting on their every childhood desire, but they all pleaded with me to be able to stay with their father. Even Ashley said she wanted to stay there. In her mind, it was her home, no matter if I lived there or not. She was almost 19 years old. I couldn’t stop her. I also knew that Steve would make sure I had no way to support my children. I would be leaving on his terms whether I liked it or not.
Breaking free
Three days later, Steve gave me a cup of coffee with something floating on the top of it. I refused to drink it. He locked me in the bedroom, and forbid the children to talk to me. I banged on the door for what seemed like hours, and asked for the telephone to call my father. I knew in my gut that he was going to try to kill me; that he had already tried by poisoning my drink. Steve texted Kevin and told him things were getting out of hand, that things were no longer civil, and that I had to leave immediately. I managed to get the phone from my youngest child while Steve was outside at the tire shop, and I called my father to come and get me.
I had to save my own life first before I could help my children. That was the hardest choice I have ever made in my whole life. I knew that Steve wouldn’t beat them, but I was still afraid that he would find ways to control them – to the point that they would miss out on life experiences that would help them to one day be independent.
My father came and got me about mid-afternoon that day. I cried in the car going to his house…cried for hours after I got there, into the night until I fell asleep in the living room chair. I cried partially because I wanted my children in my arms…but also because of an immense, undeniable sense of relief. I was free.
The next day, I called Kevin on Dads phone.Kevin asked me if he could help me get on my feet. I gladly accepted. He met me at Dads house with open arms, and I went with him…went home to him and to the beginning of life, with my best friend by my side.
What I’ve written has been very hard for me to get out on paper at some points. It’s been very emotional for me to look back on and read, and reread. It’s been profoundly healing, because it’s all true. If you’re with someone who is like Steve, then let my recollection of what I survived remind you that you’re not alone, and that you can get out.
It took an act of God to get me out; with the return of my lifelong friend and true love. With his help, I found healing and learned that it was safe to be my self again. I had to relearn how to function as an independent person, how to look men in the eye, walk with my head up, and even how to walk into a store and interact with people again. I had to relearn that it was OK to bust out in laughter; that it was safe to literally “let my hair down”. That took lots of time. I still occasionally struggle with nightmares, but now, instead of having to live it, I wake up. I know I’m safe.
My children are still with my ex-husband, and I will never stop trying to get them out, until they are away from his obsessive manipulation and control. That may take years to happen. I am currently seeking help from a local advocacy center so that I can have visitation on a regular basis with them.
If you’re reading this and you are with someone who you don’t feel safe with: DON’T WAIT TO LEAVE – especially if you have children. If you’re with someone who isn’t even physically abusive, but is controlling you – LEAVE BEFORE IT GETS WORSE.
I had no way of leaving prior to 2011, because I was secluded from people and resources that could have helped me if I had been able to reach out. That’s what abusers do – they seclude you: from family, friends, from being independent, and from making your own choices.
You may want to tell your story and be afraid to do it, because you think that no one would ever believe you – because what you’re going through is so horrible. There are people out there who will believe you.
ALL IT TAKES IS ONE DECISION TO MAKE A CHANGE HAPPEN.
No one can decide for you. You just have to do it.
I’m closing this with a list of resources below for women AND men, who need help to escape an abusive relationship. Also listed are links to Child Protective Services, because they can help you be reunited with your children if you have to leave them behind to save your own life.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline – Find Help in Your Area
http://rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources
Children’s Advocacy Centers/Family Protective Services, listed by state in the USA
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11
